The Gender Problem in Biglaw
I had just had my second child. She was 3 months old, and her sister was 2½. I was about to lateral to a new firm as a mid-level, and I was scared.
🔹 The very first weekend at the new firm, there was a mandatory, 3-day, all-attorney retreat at some resort that was 3-4 hours away from home.
I was still nursing.
—My heart was still beating as one with my new baby.
—I hadn’t been apart from her for longer than half a day before.
—I didn’t know if I could do it.
But everyone at the firm was really encouraging. The firm roundly touted itself as being a great firm for women.
They even had a poster child: Toni Mackey
Toni had apparently “figured it all out”:
—She had FOUR kids;
—she had worked her way up from first year up to powerful partner there; and
—all I had to do was to “stick with her and follow her secrets to success,” so “I’d have no problem.”
⬇️
So at dinner the first night when I saw her talking to some other female associates, I saw my chance to finally meet her, and I approached the group.
At first, I just listened. And, as advertised, Toni was giving her spiel on how wonderful the firm was and how accommodating it had been to her in connection with her kids.
When dinner was called and the group started to break apart, I was finally able to get Toni aside privately.
I introduced myself, told her about having just had my second baby, and confided that being apart from her was making my heart bleed, it hurt so much.
Then I asked her pointedly:
What is your secret?
Her reply shocked me.
“Get a good nanny. If you get a good nanny, it will be as if you don’t even have any kids. You just whisk them out of your mind and trust your nanny.”
Well, I had a good nanny. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was ME.
“My heart is bleeding!” I repeated. “How does a good nanny help with that problem?” I pressed.
She looked straight back at me and said,
“Grow a tougher heart.”
And that, to me, my friends, is the root of the gender problem in BigLaw.
I welcome your thoughts and experiences.
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P.S. I worked at 4 different BigLaw firms starting at age 21. The above story represents the totality of my experiences and interactions with female partners at various firms and is not intended to single out any one firm or partner individually.