Why I Took the NY Bar Exam from the Floor of a Private Office
I had to take the NY-state bar exam lying on the floor of a private office, about a mile from the main test site. Here’s the backstory.
Things all started going downhill for me during 3L spring. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together:
—grades that put me atop the class;
—a BigLaw job set for fall; and
—a law-review Note ready to publish.
But on the inside, I definitely did not have it together.
One morning, I awoke to pain radiating from my lower back to my left big toe. I could barely walk.
👉 The pain itself was horrific, but if I’m being honest, I was l more upset by what I knew it meant: I’d have to take a break from exercise.
{—At the time, exercise had been the only thing holding me together, the only thing over which I’d had any control. Now, even that would be taken from me.}
Long story short:
▪️ I saw a doctor.
▪️ He confirmed that my muscles were spasming. (He could feel them with his bare hand.)
▪️ The cause was a mystery.
▪️ He could not help me.
I was dismissed with a week of Percocet & a stern warning: rest & do not “sit.” (Chairs are bad for bad backs.)
Eventually, an ergonomically-designed recliner from Relax the Back Store became my home for the remainder of law school.
I ate, worked, and slept in the recliner.
I completed my 3L year “remotely,” or whatever we called that in 1996. (No internet yet.)
I lived alone in a small studio, so the scene was pretty pathetic.
Then, during a final, twinging-back flare up in May, I made it to Mass Gen’s ER. I was promptly triaged to psych, and in 2 hours, I had my official diagnosis:
Anxiety.
***
🔸 ER/mental health stories like these are more common now, but back then, such things were simply not talked about. (My father, for example, paid out of pocket for both the ER psych visit and the head pills, lest anyone find out.)
The bar did accommodate me for the exam, though, so I didn’t have to take it from a chair. (Hence, the floor of a private office.)
That August, a doctor named John Sarno, (since deceased), finally “cured” me. I will always be beyond grateful.
***
I try to find meaning in otherwise pointless, bad events.
🔷 First, things are often not what they seem.
To you, 3Ls may seem “sitting pretty.” But nearing law school’s end can be more angst-ridden than its start.
There are no more familiar grade ladders to climb,
No more school years to hide behind.
It is out into the big, scary world.
And in that world, a 3L is a newborn.
Reach out to a 3L today. They need support, too.
🔷 Second, listen to your body.
When our psyche needs care, it’s often a problem we put off. But eventually, our bodies create problems that can’t be put off longer.
How are you? Please take a physical and mental inventory. Don’t end up missing a semester of in-person school, or taking the bar exam from the floor.
(Somehow, though, I did pass.)
💌 Amanda
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